Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
