She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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