that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
