Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
