Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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