i jhust puked up my retainher.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
