Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
