Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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