He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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