dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
