My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
