bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
