my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
