I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
