I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
