Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
