I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We smell like vodka and hangover
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