walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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