Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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