every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
