.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
