Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
