It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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