I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I have aggressive nipples.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
