Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
