I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I love you.
Bad choice
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
