I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
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So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
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I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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