Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
