fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we made out on top of his cat.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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