FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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