alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
