I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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