I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
