I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
