I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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