OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
