I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
