The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
