Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
