mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
