So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
