life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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