Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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