I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
