This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
