Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
