His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
