Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
