It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
