apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
