I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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