im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
