we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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