I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
