so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
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When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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