Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
