two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!