Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.