Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
