the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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