I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
