After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
